Afraid to Fall
by tinkertot95
Summary: "The mark of fear is not easily removed." - Ernest Gaines
1. Chapter 1

"_There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone"- Margot Asquith _

I try my best to fix my unruly brown hair from the mirror on my compact. There's just no fixing ugly though. I apply some more pressed powder around my green eyes to hide my dark circles better. Maybe ugly can be fixed...

"Can I help you?" Someone asks as they enter the office area. I turn around and am faced with an attractive man who looks way too young to be an FBI agent.

"Uh yes, actually. I got a little turned around. I'm looking for Penelope Garcia...she's the..." I start, but stop myself. Curse my uncanny ability to make a fool of myself when I'm faced with a cute boy. "You probably know who she is..."

"Yes, she's the technical analyst here...may I ask how you know her?" The man asks and I try to keep a poker face.

"She is a friend of mine." I say carefully. I keep my hands at my side. "Why does it seem like you're profiling me? I promise I'm not a serial killer." I say, trying to sound friendly.

"Oh, I know. I don't think that you could be." He says and I feel one of my eyebrows raise in question. "Well, to put it simply. You don't seem to have it in you. You have weak ankles, yet you insist upon wearing high heeled shoes to make yourself seem taller. You feel that since you are on the shorter side that people think you are inferior to them even though it's quite obvious you're intelligent."

"Reid, quit profiling the poor girl. What can we help you with sweetheart?" Another man asks as he walks over.

"I'm just looking for Penelope Garcia." I say, sort of self-conscious over myself now. I really hope that it doesn't show, even though I'm sure it does.

"She's at lunch right now, but you're welcome to wait here with us. I'm Derek Morgan and this is Dr. Spencer Reid."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Regan Barker." I say with a small smile. "Or, if you're Penelope, I'm..."

"Reggie! I didn't think you were coming today!" Penelope exclaims as she rushes over to me and gives me a big hug. "I love your dress!"

"Thanks! I just couldn't wait to see you!" I exclaim hugging her back. "I probably should have called you first, but my cell phone died. I just wanted to make sure we were still on for pottery tomorrow."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world! You're gonna have to show me how to draw those cute little flowers! Then we can have matching vases!" She exclaims linking her arm with mine and pulling me off. "Thanks for taking care of my girl, boys!"

"No problem Baby Girl." Derek says as he sits down at a desk, I'm assuming that's his. Once we're far enough away I look to Penelope.

"Do I look like I have weak ankles?" I whisper, then I hear Derek laugh. I blush and look up at the woman who's become my best friend.

"Don't mind Reid, he's just not very good at talking to girls. Especially when he thinks that they're pretty." She says as we walk into her office. "So, anyway, what's up Buttercup?"

"I'm a little nervous...I'm all settled in and everything in the new apartment, but it's a little intimidating. I haven't been on my own since..." I let the end of my sentence drop because she knows.

"Why don't we have a slumber party! We can stay up and watch I Love Lucy together!" She exclaims, knowing that I don't like talking about the murder of my parents all that often.

"Sounds great..." I say with a slight smile. "Oh! I made something for you!" I say as I reach in my purse and pull out the small wrapped box. I hand it to her.

"Awww Reggie, you didn't have to get me anything." She says accepting the box. I smile as she opens it. "Aww! They're so cute!"

"It's a family of what I like to call Fuzz Nuggets. This is what happens when I get bored and I have puff balls and google eyes." I say as we sit down.

"Ah yes, you're a fiend. What's this? Cute little Fuzz Nugget furniture?" She says as she takes out the little set up.

"I figured it'd add more color to your already rainbow-like office." I say looking around. My eyes fall on a screen and I cringe. "Yikes...sorry you've gotta look into that kind of stuff."

"It's my job kiddo. Sunny people like you help make it okay though. So, you wanna have this little pow wow at my place or yours?" She asks as she minimizes the program on her computer screen.

"Hmm...your place is safe and comforting while mine is haunted by ghosts and evil monsters intent upon me looking like something out of the _Night of the Living Dead_...Your place might be the best bet Pen."

"Please, with your skin, it's impossible for you to look like a zombie. My place is a go then. We can make dinosaur shaped cookies like you like! Oh, but I don't think I have any frosting." She says, then there's a knock on the door frame. We turn around at the same time and see Derek.

"Okay...that was kind of freaky. Anyway, we're all gonna go out for drinks after work. Do you ladies want to join us?" He asks looking between the two of us.

"You want to Reggie? I think you'd like hanging out with us at the bar. Today's been a pretty good day so it won't be uber depressing." She says smiling at me.

"I don't drink, but it beats sitting at home wishing that I were a crazy cat lady." I say giving a thumbs up.

"We're in Hot Stuff." She says turning back to Derek. The exchange some more flirty banter before he leaves again.

"If I didn't know better Pen..." I say letting the sentence trail off. She gives me a look and I laugh. "I'm just teasing. Well, I should probably quit distracting you. I don't want to get you fired or anything."

"You won't get me fired, but I understand if you must go." She says and then stands up as I do. She gives me a great big hug. "Hang in there, alright?"

"I'll do my best." I say hugging her back. When she lets go I leave her office. I find my way back to the office area.

"Excuse me, Miss. Barker?" Spencer stops me, standing up from his desk as soon as he sees me. I stop and look at him. "I'm, uh, sorry if I offended you earlier?"

"Don't worry about it." I say waving my hand in dismissal. "You ended your little tangent with a compliment so I can't take too much offense, can I?"

"Well, actually you could. I'm relieved that you didn't though." He says and I laugh. "Did I say something funny?"

"Mind if I offer some advice Dr. Reid?" I ask, and he gestures for me to go on. "Don't answer rhetorical questions. It was nice meeting the two of you. Ciao." I say before heading out.

"I swear, he pretty much knocked everything off of his desk after you left. You're such a little temptress Kitty Reggie." Penelope says as we walk from her place of employment to the pub across the street.

"You're crazy Pen. There's no way in Michigan someone like him would be flustered by someone like me." I say shaking my head.

"Whatever you say mon petite chou." She says as we reach the pub. I open the door and then we both enter together. "Alright everybody, listen up. This is my home girl Reggie."

"It's nice to meet you Reggie, I'm Elle." A girl with dark hair says with a smile. I smile back and offer a wave.

"I'm JJ. It's nice to finally be able to put a name to a face." A blonde girl says offering me a smile.

"Good to know I'm talked about...Penelope." I say offering my friend a look. "I hope it's only good things she tells you."

"Oh, only the best my dear. Like how you're about to graduate college! How's it feel to almost be Dr. Regan Barker?" Pen says enthusiastically.

"Doctor?" Spencer asks, our conversation catching his interest. "You look to only be twenty-two tops...how can you..."

"Let's just say I nerded my way through school. I'm almost twenty-three, and I graduated from high school when I was fifteen." I say, not happy to talk about that. "I probably could have gotten out of there sooner, but I insisted on living a normal life." I explain.

"What changed?" He asks and I keep up a confident front even though I really don't want to answer his question.

"Teenagers are a cruel form of human...their minds are very unique in a uniform, torture each other into submission kind of way." I say, keeping my voice even.

"That's very true." Spencer agrees. "So, what are you looking forward to the most about being out of school?" He asks, and everyone goes back to their previous conversations. Penelope takes a seat next to Morgan and so I take a seat next to Spencer.

"Well, there's the whole being out of school part." I say with a laugh. "I guess it'll be finding work. I've always been interested in figuring out why people act the way they do. I'm about to get my Psy.D. in psychology." I explain. "I would really like to teach a class. I guess I'll see what life has in store for me."

"I wouldn't worry about it, you seem like you are a very capable person." He says as he tucks his hair behind his ears. I mess with the ends of my own brown hair, keeping my eyes on my hands as I carefully twist and untwist the strands.

"Thanks..." I say softly. I'm amazed that he'd caught it. He nods the acknowledgment. "So...what's your story? You look a little young to be a doctor."

"I graduated from high school at the age of twelve...and well I just went from there." He says, looking like he wants to say more, but he stops himself.

"Were your classmates cruel to you too?" I ask and he nods. "Well...look where you are now and it'd probably be easy to see where they are, if you hadn't already guessed."

"Thank you Miss. Barker." He says and I laugh again. "What did I say that was funny this time?"

"You can call me Reggie you know...or Rina...or pretty much anything. I don't care. Miss. Barker is just a little too formal for my liking." I say.

"Alright, then you can call me Spencer." He offers and I smile and nod. I can't help but catch myself wondering if it's alright for me to like him.

"I can see us becoming very good friends." I say after a few moments of comfortable silence. Rome wasn't built in a day, so why not allow myself to be his friend.

"Spencer, really? I promise that having a Facebook page won't kill you." I say giving him a skeptical look. "It's a social networking site. It will allow for you to keep up with people. I mean what if I move to Oklahoma?"

"That's not possible because you hate Oklahoma. Anyway, I don't see what the big deal is. If you did move away I would call you and write you letters." He says as he tucks his hair behind his ears.

"Good to know that you'd keep in touch, but come on. I'm going to make you an account." I say as I pull my lap top out of it's case at my feet.

"Does it really mean that much to you?" He asks and I look him in the eyes for a moment. I then sigh.

"Yes Spencer, it means the world to me. If you don't have a Facebook page then I can't tag you as being my best guy friend in the world." I say all on one breath.

"I still don't understand what the big deal is. We meet up for coffee regularly..." He says and I laugh.

"No, I meet up with you so I can have coffee. You meet up with me so you can have sugar with a touch of coffee." I correct, still laughing.

"You know I don't care for emails." He says, going back to the previous conversation. I sigh and close my computer.

"Fine, but only because you didn't go off on some tangent on the history of coffee." I say with a smile.

"Well, the history of coffee goes back to at least the thirteenth century. It supposedly spread from Ethiopia to Egypt and Yemen. The earliest credible evidence of people drinking coffee and the coffee tree appear in the middle of the fifteenth century in the Sufi monasteries of..." He starts, and I stop him.

"Spence, I wasn't inviting it." I say with a laugh. "You never cease to impress me though." I say with an appreciative nod. A few moments pass in a pretty comfortable silence as we just enjoy some down time. Would it be so bad if I asked him out? These 'friend dates' have all been pretty successful, but what if that's all that he sees me as. Penelope seems to think that he sees me as more than a friend. "Hey Spencer?" I ask.

"So you're finally going to talk?" He asks and I raise an eye brow in question. "Well, you've been sitting there for five minutes thinking of a way to ask me something." He says and I curse the B.A.U.

"Well...I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go see a movie...maybe we could have some dinner first. I don't know..." I say, trying my best to not sound awkward. Sometimes straightforward is the wrong way to go.

"That sounds like fun...is Friday night good for you?" He asks, knowing that I've been working on finishing up school stuff. I set up a slight mental trap though.

"Yeah, I'm finishing my last paper up tonight." I say, truly wishing that it was all over so I could stop seeming like such a kid around Spencer. He's almost a year older than me, yet school makes me feel so much younger.

"That's great, so what movie did you want to go see?" He asks and I know very well what I'm going to say.

"Well, we could go and see Star Wars: Episode III. Since it is coming out on my birthday and all..." I say peeking at him sideways to gauge his reaction.

"That momentarily slipped from my mind...I'm sorry. Things have been a little hectic lately. " He says as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Don't worry about it. I know how things have been, I don't blame you. You didn't forget about my birthday, it's just not in the front of your mind right now." I say gently.

"You can be too patient sometimes...we could go to the movies another night if you wanted to." He offers and I shrug.

"It doesn't make a difference to me." I say, because I really didn't have any plans for my birthday.

"How about we go see Star Wars on Saturday?" He says and I smile and nod. "Alright then. I should probably get back to work."

"I'll walk you back, Penelope requested my presence. Honestly I think everyone's going to end up getting tired of me." I say as I put my lap top away. I know that she's just worried about me, this past month has been really hard on me.

"No, I don't think they could. It's not like you get in the way or anything." He says as he stands up. We walk out of the coffee shop we frequent and start heading back towards the familiar building that holds the offices of my best friends. I get my visitor's badge and hook it onto the end of my blazer before we head off towards the bull pen.

"Hey there Reggie." Derek says as we enter the area. "How's my second favorite genius doing today?"

"I'm far from a genius." I say, waving a hand in dismissal. "I'm doing alright though, thanks." I say with a smile. "How are you?"

"I've been better, but I'm not gonna complain. Garcia is on a roll right now so you're welcome to sit at my desk sweetheart, you want some coffee?" He asks as he stands up.

"Oh no, I'm fine." I say, cursing the profilers and their uncanny ability to notice small things like achy feet/ankles. Maybe I really do have weak ankles...or maybe it's just that obvious.

"Don't think too much about it, perhaps it's because those are relatively new shoes..." Spencer suggests as he sits down at his desk.

"Instead of talking about my possibly weak ankles, I'm going to offer gum as an incentive for shutting up." I say as I take a pack of gum out of my purse. I toss each of them a piece.

"We're not trying to be mean, you just look like you're about to fall over." Spencer says as he unwraps the gum and pops it in his mouth.

"You just look like you're about to fall over." I sass him as I start chewing on my own piece of gum. Derek just laughs as he heads for the kitchen to grab himself some coffee. I take a seat at Derek's desk and prop my feet up. "Spencer? I'm just curious, but are you any closer to catching the serial arsonist?"

"You don't need to worry Reggie, you aren't his type. Our arsonist targets upper class men because he's ashamed that he didn't make something of himself." Spencer explains, looking up from the file folder he was reading. "He feels the need to destroy all that these men have earned in life because he doesn't have it. He thinks that it's unfair."

"I think it'd be amazing to do what you do..." I say, thinking out loud. "Sure, traumatizing and kind of sad, but amazing. You guys are superheros in your own way."

"Did you know that Superman was one of the first superheros to appear in comics? The strict definition of the word requires the figure to have superhuman abilities. Generally superheros are faced with supervillains which are their polar opposites. I don't think that could apply to what we do really, because what we do is get inside the mind of who we're trying to profile. Essentially we become the supervillain." He rattles off.

"You're wrong...while collectively you are capable of being serial killers or what have you, I don't think any of you would." I say and he seems to take that into consideration.

"I suppose you're right, but..." He says, and I shake my head laughing. "Why is it that you always laugh?"

"Because, you always go the extra mile. Just be happy that I don't think you'd ever intentionally hurt someone Spence." I say as I take my feet off of Derek's desk and sit up straight.

"Oh, I'm very happy that you think that way." He says as he tucks his hair behind his ears. Then Agent Hotchner enters the area.

"Hello Agent Hotchner." I say pleasantly. I know that he probably wouldn't mind if I just called him Hotch like everyone else does, but I feel like it's an invasion. Everyone in this unit is sort of like a family, I've observed. I can't help but feel like I get in the way.

"Hello Reggie." He says with a slight smile in my direction. He then continues on with what he was doing. I stay quiet and try to be as out of the way as possible.

"Reg, Garcia's not busy anymore, she told me to send you on back." Derek says as he walks back into the bull pen.

"Alright, thanks Derek." I say standing up. "See you guys later." I say with a wave over my shoulder as I head to my best friend's office.

"Salut Baby Cakes, how are you on this fine afternoon?" Penelope asks as I walk in. I plop into my usual chair.

"Well...I asked code name: Brock out and he said yes..." I say, knowing that I seem bummed. "I'm really happy about it, but I'm wondering if he thinks it's a friend date or a date date."

"Darling, whatever kind of date it is, be happy. You don't have to figure anything out just yet. It's only been a month." She offers with a smile. "Oh, young love, it makes me so happy to be a helping factor in it!" She gives me a hug. "So, Friday, I was thinking that you could come over to my place and we could watch movies and eat ice cream." She says. "I mean, what better way is there to spend your birthday than with some ice cream and moi?"

"That sounds perfect." I say with a smile. "Is it cool if I stay here for a while? I don't really want to go home, and going to the library all by myself doesn't seem tempting either."

"Mais oui, feel free darling. I'm just going to be doing a little research myself." She says as she turns back to her computers. I roll the computer chair I'm sitting in to the empty desk and and pull out my laptop.

"My last paper for college...is it wrong to feel nostalgic?" I ask as I open the document. I'll be graduating within the month and it all seems surreal.

"No, it's not wrong. Especially when I know why little Miss. Barker wants to get out of school so badly...Besides, it is something bittersweet. School is all you've ever known my sweet little buttercup." She says keeping up the work she's doing. We lapse into silence, the only sounding being the sounds of our hands murdering the keys of our poor computers.

"I promise you, after we make this stop we will go to my house and I will give you all the ice cream you want." Penelope says as she drags me by the arm. She claims that she needs to do something before we head back to her house. She opens a door then shoves me through.

"Surprise!" A chorus of the voices of my friends greets me and tears instantly flood to my eyes. I feel my jaw drop in shock.

"Oh my gosh..." I all I can manage. I turn away so I can wipe the tears away before anyone sees them.

"Surprised?" Penelope asks as she gives me a half hug and takes my bags from me. She tosses our stuff aside. "Time for cake!"

"There's a cake?" I ask, fighting my tears the entire time. "I haven't had a cake since my eighteenth birthday."

"Well come on, we might have to call the fire department if you don't hurry." Derek says as he sets the cake on a table. I walk over. "You know the drill, make a wish." I smile, close my eyes and blow out the candles. "I'll bet I know what you wished for."

"I wished for you to stop being so nosy." I say and am greeted by the laughter of everyone else in the room. "I'm just kidding Der-bear." I say laughing. "Thank you so much everyone." I say sincerely.

"Yeah, yeah. Present time now! Sit down here!" Penelope says as she drags me to another table. "Oh Gideon, you don't have to cut the cake." She says and I look over to see the Unit Chief slicing up the cake.

"Just give her the presents Garcia." He says with a smile towards us. She gives a small smile and a shake of her head before she sets a gift in front of me.

"That one is from your human behavior professor. He said that he was really sorry he couldn't make it, but he...well you know why he's gone." She explains and I take the gift. I know I must look really sentimental. I open the box and smile.

"We always have appreciated good pens..." I mutter as I take in the beautiful monogrammed pen set. "God, why are people so intent on making me cry?" I ask wiping at the corners of my eyes.

"Oh, don't cry Cuppy Cake." Penelope says as she passes me the next gift. "This one is from Morgan." I give him a look. "Just open it!" I sigh and tear back the paper and open the box.

"Uh...Derek you do realize that I don't have a permit...right?" I ask looking up at the beefy special agent.

"That's the second part of the gift Sweetness' side-kick." He says with a smile. "Besides, don't you think you'll feel a little safer at your house if you have a way of defending yourself?"

"Your right...my Louisville slugger can only do so much against a gun." I say thoughtfully then smile. "Thank you." The next couple of gifts are very practical, and I appreciate every one of them.

"Alright! Now last, but certainly not least. Wonder Boy got you a little somethin' somethin'." Penelope says as she puts the box in front of me. I smile and unwrap the gift. I open the box and pull out a book.

"Spencer...I mentioned this book maybe once in passing...how could you have possibly..." I say as I skim through the pages.

"How could I possibly forget? While it's probably not in as great condition as your old copy, it's the best I could do in the short amount of time. Tamerlane and Other Poems by Edgar Allan Poe is a rare find." He says, tucking his hair behind his ears and not looking at me. I shake my head and resist the urge to jump up and hug him. I know how he prefers to avoid contact with people.

"Thanks Spence...this really means a lot to me." I say meeting his gaze. He quickly looks away and tucks the hair that's already behind his ears again.

"Alright! Now, next on our partay agenda, we're going to eat cake and watch Oklahoma!" Penelope says, earning a shocked look from me.

"Garcia, we're not really going to watch the musical that inspired such a deep hatred in Reggie are we?" Spencer asks, sounding absolutely appalled by the idea.

"Gee Wonder Boy, for a genius you're a little slow on the draw. I'm kidding, we're watching Phantom of the Opera with one Gerard Butler." Penelope says with a laugh.

"Jumpy Reid." JJ says as she gives the young genius a look and he looks away, blushing a little bit. I laugh.

"Just start the movie Baby Girl." Derek says with a laugh, giving Spencer a look as well. I know that I must be missing something.

_"Mom?" I ask as I walk into my house and set my heavy messenger bag down. I walk to the kitchen and I see things set out to start dinner. Mom's making my favorite, chicken Alfredo, for my birthday. Since I requested that she stop making me cake on my eighteenth birthday she's taken to making me a special dinner. Twenty-two will be a good year for me, I know it. Upon walking in further I step in a puddle of milk. She probably went to grab a towel. I pick up the nearly empty gallon of milk and set it on the counter. "Mom?" I ask as I walk on through the kitchen and towards the laundry room. She's not there. "Mom!" I call out louder. I jog up the stairs and to their room. I knock on the door and push it open as no one answers. I see the bodies of my parents laying on the bed, covered in blood. I back up until my back hits something solid. I turn around and see a man. I shove him as hard as I can and he falls down. I run to the stairs and miss a step. I fall down, hitting my head in the process. I push past the pain and get up, pulling my cell phone out of my pocket as I run for the door. I dial 911, but the phone is taken out of my hand and closed before it can even start ringing. Then he starts dragging me into the house with his hand clasped over my mouth. He closes the front door and locks it before dragging me to the kitchen and tying me to a chair. He smiles at me in a friendly manner._

_ "You're a very pretty girl Miss. Taylor. Your friends must envy that beautiful blonde hair of yours." He says as he gently strokes my cheek._

_ "Don't touch me!" I yell as I jerk my head away from his hand. "Why did you kill them!" I continue, the tears falling down my face in a steady stream. _

_ "They weren't taking proper care of you, and now you're ruined. So now you must be __cleansed...I really hope you survive this Miss. Taylor. We belong together. Your parents were just in our way, and they had to go and ruin you." He explains as he sits down in a chair across from me and starts sharpening his knife. I try to keep myself from crying, but I find it impossible. "Now tell me, Miss. Taylor, would you prefer slow and painful or short and fast?"_

_ "Why does it even matter?" I ask sounding hopeless. He stands and walks over to me and puts the knife to my wrist behind me and I feel it lightly cut into my skin as he..._

I gasp as I sit up straight. A couple sets of eyes move to me and I look at the screen and see that the movie is still playing. I give a reassuring smile and try to focus on my favorite musical. I don't think that anything could distract me from the one year anniversary of my parent's murder and the day that I escaped with my life. Life, it's probably the greatest gift anyone can receive. What if you don't want it though? Suicide isn't an option, it's a move that only a coward would take. How could you avoid living life? I stand up and walk over to the soda machine, I pull out some money from my pocket and put it in. I take a step back and look at my options.

"You had a nightmare, am I right?" Spencer asks as he walks up and stands beside me. I press the button for Sierra Mist and take the bottle.

"It doesn't matter." I say my voice a little shaky. "It was a dream. It's just my mind telling me I need to talk to someone, and I'm being too stubborn to listen to it."

"You can always talk to me Reggie...I've noticed certain behaviors lately that lead me to believe that the anniversary of something is coming up, or has already happened...I promise that I won't think any differently of you." He says looking at me in the eye finally.

"The courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment, but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must- in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures-and that is the basis of all morality." I say, quoting John F. Kennedy.

"Do you...want to go for a walk?" He asks, still looking me in the eye. I nod once, biting my lower lip. "Hey guys, Reggie needs some air. We'll be right back, alright?"

"Don't get lost." Derek says giving a sly smile and I shake my head rolling my eyes. Spencer and I walk outside.

"Today is just a very bad day." I start, folding my arms over my chest. "One year ago today, my parents were..."

"Your parents were murdered...weren't they?" He asks, and I close my eyes nodding. "I'm...I had no idea. I'm..." He trails off.

"You're fine Spence, you had no way of knowing. I didn't tell you...Penelope, Agent Hotchner and Agent Gideon are the only ones who know I'm pretty sure. Don't question your knowledge, I changed my name and moved here...the man who did it, was never caught. I didn't feel safe where I was from, and I still don't feel safe." I explain, keeping my eyes closed.

"Thank you for sharing this with me..." He starts, then I feel him touch my elbow. "Are you, staying with Garcia tonight? If you aren't, I could sit with you for a while." He offers.

"That was the original plan, but if I'm going to be having nightmares I don't want to put her out...She's been too good to me as is." I say as I open my eyes and look up at him. "I don't want you to go out of your way either. I can handle it." I add with a smile.

"Well, technically your apartment building is on my way home so..." He starts with a slight smile. "The point is, you aren't out of my way Reggie."

"I actually do think that would make me feel better..." I admit after a moment of thought. "How did I get lucky enough to befriend F.B.I agents?"

"Excuse the random papers scattered about. They're failed attempts at greatness." I say before opening the door to my apartment. I walk in, and I feel my eyebrows furrow together. Something isn't right. "At least...I thought there were random papers scattered about. I guess I must've cleaned them up and forgot." I say with a shrug as I set down my things in their usual chair. "Make yourself at home." I invite. "Do you want something to drink? I've got Sierra Mist, water, apple juice..." I say walking into the kitchen. I then freeze. I back out of the kitchen, knowing very well that the composure I've been keeping is faltering. I stop when I run into something. I turn around and see that it's only Spencer, probably sincerely freaked out.

"Reggie, what's wrong?" He asks looking around. I shake my head and hide my face in my hands. The sheer terror of the situation getting the better of me. "Reggie. Regan." He says taking my face in his hands and making me look at him. "What is the matter?"

"The milk." I manage to gasp out. I rush to the kitchen, Spencer right on my heels. There's a bouquet of flowers. Walking around the milk I go over to them and take out the card. "Looks like I finally found you..." I read the card out loud. My voice sounds dead to me. Suddenly Spencer is at my side, I had no idea I was falling.

"Gideon, we've got a serious problem." Spencer says into his cell phone. "The man who murdered her parents has found Reggie." He says sounding very serious. He listens for a moment, then he looks to me. "He wants to talk to you." He says, one of his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I look around the kitchen from our spot on the floor and nod. He hands me the phone.

"Regan? Are you absolutely positive that 's found you?" Agent Gideon's voice demands of me. I try to stop shaking, but fail.

"He was here..." I say in a voice devoid of emotion. "He's coming to finish the job..." I say, my voice breaking with a horrified sob. Spencer takes his phone back.

"I know, I'm not going anywhere." He says into the phone, and then he closes it. Then, sitting in the middle of my kitchen. I break down for the first time in about three months.

"_We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot"- Eleanor Roosevelt _


	2. Chapter 2

"_How does one kill fear, I wonder? How do you shoot a spectre through the heart, slash off its spectral head, take it by the spectral throat?"- Joseph Conrad _

"Everything's going to be alright." Penelope assures me as I'm passed off to her by Spencer. The flashing lights of the police car make everything seem more real. My senses, heightened by my intense emotional state tell me to crawl away and hide.

"Pen, it's not going to be okay. I changed my name. I moved. Hell, I changed my hair color! He still found me!" I exclaim, losing the little bit of calm that I'd collected with my silence.

"Reggie, do you really think we would let anything happen to you?" Derek asks as he walks over. "We will get this taken care of. Now are you positive that..."

"Derek," I interrupt him. "would I be on the verge of an emotional breakdown if I weren't absolutely positive that he was back? Everything was exactly the same as that day...except he took all of my papers, the failed attempts on my finals, and he left the flowers with the note." I say trying to reign back in my control.

"Alright Baby Girl, we'll get ya taken care of." He says patting me on the shoulder before going to talk to the police again.

"You say he took the drafts of your finals?" Spencer asks as he walks over again. "That could be him trying to get to know you better."

"I just don't understand how he found me." I say with a sigh. Penelope squeezes me tighter in a hug that makes me feel better for a moment.

"Well...never mind, that was a rhetorical question...wasn't it?" Spencer asks as he looks at me. I nod my answer. "It's like Derek said, Reggie, we'll take care of you." I try to offer an assuring smile, but I can't do it, so it probably looks more like a grimace.

"I didn't really care for walking across the stage anyway...It's just a formality. I didn't even do it when I graduated." I say as I sit back in the chair I'm sitting in and look at the clock. The ceremony would be starting now. Due to the circumstances, I've already been given my degree. I've just been hanging out with Penelope, Spencer and the others. Things have been pretty quiet as far as the need for profilers go.

"I didn't either." Spencer says, looking up from the document he was working on. "I'll be right back, I'm going to get some coffee." He says standing up.

"I'll get it." I say standing up. "If I'm going to be here, I might as well make myself useful. Dr. Barker, coffee specialist." He sits down, and acts like he's about to say something. "I know, put about half of the sugar canister into it. I got you Spence." I say as I go to get the coffee.

"Hey Reggie, how are you holdin' up?" Derek asks as I walk into the kitchen area. I go to the coffee pot and pour a mug. I then grab the sugar and doctor it up the way Spencer likes it.

"Well...I think it's safe to say that I've had better days. How are you doing? You've seemed rather tense lately." I say as I stir the sugar into the coffee.

"You know, you might not make a bad profiler. Most other people wouldn't notice that about me." He compliments.

"I think I'll stick to psychotherapy...I don't think I could handle getting into their minds." I say with a slight shudder. "Oh, I organized your desk by the way and left sticky notes so you know where to find everything." I say as I pick up Spencer's coffee.

"You're on a roll today. Is that Pretty Boy's coffee? Or are you just picking up on his bad sugar habits?" Derek asks with a laugh.

"If I'm going to harass you lot, I might as well do something productive." I say as I start walking back towards the desks.

"You're not harassing us, you are here for your own safety." He says and I look back at him and manage a small smile. "That guy's gonna get his Baby Girl, don't you think otherwise for a minute."

"I know...I just hope he doesn't give me mine first." I say, only half joking. "Thanks anyway Derek. I really do appreciate everything you and everyone else is doing for me. Technically this isn't your job at all, we know who the murderer is." I say, trying not to cry. "All of you, excluding Penelope have known me for a little over a month...yet you care so much...it's...it doesn't make any sense to me."

"Of all the things which wisdom provides to make us entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship. Epicurus said that. You seem to have found a way into the hearts of the team. Even in the short time we have known you, you have become a part of our family." Agent Gideon says as he walks in and pours himself a cup of coffee. I feel a lump forming in my throat.

"Thank you for that...I should get this to Spencer." I say, taking that as my exit pass I get out of the area. I set the mug down on Spencer's desk. "There you are, sugar with a little bit of coffee." I say with a smile.

"Thank you." He says grabbing the mug and taking a big drink. He doesn't look up at me, and part of me is relieved while the other part is disappointed by that.

"No probs." I say as I step out of my heels and sit down at Derek's desk again. I suppress a sigh and pull my notebook out of my bag. I open it to a fresh page and start doodling.

"Hey Reggie?" JJ asks as she enters the bull pen. I look up at her. "Would you mind talking with me about your attacker?" Spencer looks up at me.

"JJ...can I speak with you alone for a moment?" He asks as he stands up. She nods and they walk off. You'd have to be an idiot to think that they weren't talking about me in the situation. "Hey, Reggie? Do you, uh, want to go grab some lunch?" He asks as he walks back over to his desk and grabs his infamous messenger bag.

"I don't really have a choice do I?" I ask as I stand up. I pick up my purse and walk around to step in my shoes. In a haphazard movement of stepping into my shoe, I stumble.

"Be careful." Spencer says as he steps closer. After a moment of hesitation he offers his arm. I smile a little and take it. "Anyway, you do have a choice. There's always a choice, but if you wanted. We could consider this part of that date you asked me on." I let go of his arm after stepping into my shoes. I look up at him, realizing that I don't even clear his shoulders in heels.

"I'd like that..." I admit with a slight nod. "So, where would you like to go?" I ask pushing the chair at Derek's desk in.

"Well, I know this place that I think you'd like." He says and we head out to the parking lot where we climb into his car.

"Yeah, I didn't go to prom junior or senior year. I was only a few years younger, but my classmates hated me." I explain as I take a drink of my Dr. Pepper.

"That's interesting. I thought that since you were only two years younger then the rest of them they would've treated you a little better." Spencer says as he tries to think about it some more.

"They were probably just threatened by me. It got better in college." I say with a shrug. "I had a few friends, but it was difficult for me to relate to them, and vice versa."

"I can only imagine. I didn't gain any true friends until I started working for the B.A.U." He says as he tucks his hair behind his ears.

"They are good people." I say remembering what Gideon said to me. I don't tear up like I did back there.

"What's the matter?" Spencer asks as he looks at me with his eyebrows furrowed together. I run a hand through my hair.

"It's nothing really. Derek and Agent Gideon said something that made me happy. I'm an emotional wreck right now, so I'm being overly sentimental." I say as I take another drink of my soda.

"Oh...well, I'm glad that you're happy. I know that it's hard for you...but can you describe to me?" Spencer asks, looking like he's really sorry for asking.

"Don't be sorry Spence, I'm going to have to man up." I say with a slight sigh. I drink deeply from my soda. "He's probably about six foot eight...he's got brown hair, and last time I saw him he was pretty tan. He'd probably been in California for a while. His eyes...they were an icy blue color. I remember that specifically because anytime I think about it...I get this feeling of dread." I shake my head and look at Spencer. "Another thing, I don't know if it will help at all, but I distinctly remember...when I was...being held captive, he would pop a breath mint into his mouth about every five minutes. He would stop sharpening his knife, look at me and smile. He probably had satisfaction in seeing me look so scared...He said that we belonged together."

"Thank you for telling me." He says putting his hand over mine. I notice that my hands are squeezed into fists and my knuckles are white. I nod and try to make myself relax a little bit. "We aren't going to let anything happen Reggie...I promise."

"Yeah...a lot of people have promised me that lately." I say as I chew on my lower lip. "Thanks." I add on quickly.

"It's no problem." He says, and then quickly removes his hand from mine. I can't help but laugh a little. "What?"

"You don't have to be so jumpy when it comes to me, I'm not any scarier then...let's say Derek." I say shaking my head.

"I know you aren't scary...it's just...it's nothing." He says rubbing his chin with thought. "You're different from most people I've met who are our age."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment..." I say carefully. "I don't want to be anyone but who I know myself to be, because the thought of being different terrifies me."

"It's not always a bad thing to change...You are a good person Reggie, I don't think you are capable of being anything but that." He says as he looks at me again.

"It's still a scary thought. You were right though, I really do like this place." I say looking around at the quiet restaurant.

"Well...in that case, would you like to come here with me again?" He asks, sounding pretty awkward.

"I'd love to." I say with a smile. He looks at me for a moment before smiling as well. Suddenly his cell phone rings.

"Hello?" He asks into the receiver, and then he listens. "Alright JJ...uh-" He starts, but it seems as though he got cut off. "Alright, bye." He says before hanging up. "Reggie...do you have any issues with going to Oregon?"

"A case?" I ask, and he nods. "Yeah it's fine, but is this really proper?" I ask and he shrugs. He takes out his wallet and lays some money down on the table.

"You are our responsibility right now, and wherever we go, you can follow as long as that's what you want. If you don't want to go, we could arrange for some officers to keep watch over you while we're away." He says as we start walking out towards his car. When we get there he opens the door for me and I get in.

"I do want to go." I say looking up at him. He just offers me a smile and then closes the door. I rest my head against the back of the seat and take a deep breath. All of this is going to turn out perfectly fine.

I sit back quietly as the team discusses their case. It's a serial killer, big surprise. I try to concentrate on thinking about things other than the fact that I'm on an airplane.

"What's wrong? You look pale." JJ says as she sits across from me at the table I'm sitting at. Spencer and Derek look at me.

"It's nothing, I'm just not a big fan of flying." I say with a smile trying to downplay it. "Though, my nerves are less shot then they have been for the past few weeks."

"That's a good thing, too much stress can make you sick." JJ says, then rethinks that. "You knew that though."

"It's alright JJ." I say, smiling at her again. "I just need to get my mind off of where we are, and what we are doing."

"What's your favorite sport? To watch or to play." Derek asks as he comes over and takes a seat next to me.

"Well, I'm not any good at it, but I love basketball." I say, almost feeling sheepish. "I always wanted to be part of the student section...paint my entire body purple or whatever." I add with a laugh.

"I never would've tagged you as a basketball girl. Who's your favorite team?" He asks and JJ quirks her eyebrow, paying close attention.

"I don't have one really, my favorite sport to play though is badminton. If the United States had a badminton league, I would so try and get onto a team." I say seriously.

"Can you say leisure sport? That's the most boring sport I can think of off the top of my head." He says laughing.

"Excuse me? My mom and I were very serious about badminton. We always challenged dad and our neighbor Jorge. We annihilate them every time!" I boast, not able to stop myself. "Well, we did." I correct, doing my best to keep my straight face. "Sorry." I say quietly.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. It's only been a year since you lost them, no one expects you to be over it. I don't care what kind of degree you have, you're still human." Derek says seriously. "Would it make you feel better if you talked about them?"

"It might..." I say, wiping the corner of my eye. "For what I lacked in friends, my mom made up for entirely. She was more than my mother, she was my best friend. Every Saturday we'd go and see a movie...and then my dad would take us all out for dinner on Saturday nights. He called me Kitty, and I used to kind of hate it, but now I want nothing more than to hear him say it." I wipe my tears as they flow. "They were phenomenal people. In a way Agent Gideon you remind me of my father." I say to him, noticing that he's watching me.

"I'm honored that you think so." He says, giving me a smile. I return it slightly. "Why don't you try and get some rest? It might make this flight less stressful for you."

"That is a phenomenal idea." I say and Derek gets up to allow me to stand up. I walk over to a seat in the back of the plane and I sit down in the chair, curling up into a little ball. I close my eyes and focus on slowing my breathing, tricking myself into sleep since the good lord knows that I won't sleep any other way. After a while of listening to meaningless chatter, I fall asleep.

"And who's this?" The chief of police asks as I enter the building with Spencer. We come to a stop next to Agent Gideon.

"Officer Daniels, this is Dr. Spencer Reid and Dr. Regan Barker." He introduces us and I shake the man's hand while Spencer doesn't. "Dr. Barker is with us for security reasons back home, she won't get in the way."

"I could also be considered the team's coffee specialist. Don't be afraid to ask." I say, insistent upon the fact that I won't get in the way.

"I'll keep that in mind, right this way please." Officer Daniels says as he leads us to where Elle, Derek, Agent Hotchner and JJ have already started setting up. "Thank you all so much for coming out here. If you need anything at all, let us know." He says before excusing himself to take care of some things.

"Nice man." I comment as I move to an out-of-the-way seat. Everyone mumbles their agreements as they get to work. I take out my small bag of bracelet making supplies and get to work on one of the more intricate styles. I safety pin the end of it to the leg of my pinstripe dress pants and get to work.

"Reggie?" Derek gets my attention, and I look up at him. "We're going out to a crime scene, stay inside alright?"

"Sure thing, call if you think I'd have any valuable insight." I say with a small smile at my friend before he goes off to join the rest of his team. I unpin the bracelet from my pants and stand up and stretch. I head over to the soda machine I saw when I walked in and buy myself a 7-up.

"Are you with the F.B.I?" A lady cop asks as she walks up to me. I offer a tentative smile and swallow the drink I'd just taken.

"I'm not an agent if that's what you're wondering. They're sort of acting as my protective detail since I'm part of an open case." I explain.

"Oh...I'm Officer Rachel O'Neil by the way, what's your name?" She asks as we start walking back towards the room that we're set up in.

"I'm Dr. Regan Barker, it's nice to meet you Officer O'Neil." I say as she walks over to the evidence board and looks at the pictures, looking very sad.

"You can call me Rachel...so what kind of case are you a part of Dr. Barker?" She asks, not looking at me.

"I don't think I should talk about it. Anyway, you can call me Reggie if you'd like. Everyone else does." I say. "Those pictures are sad...but it's an every day thing. I know for a fact that this monster will be caught, and punished." I say, my voice sounding comforting and assuring.

"Thanks." She says offering me a smile. "I've got to get back to work, but it was nice talking to you Reggie."

"Likewise." I say with a smile. She leaves the room and I sit in a computer chair and spin around, entirely bored out of my mind.

"Où est ma fille!" A woman demands as she storms into the police station. Everyone looks at her confused.

"Madame?" I ask, as I approach. "Parlez-vous anglais?" I ask her if she speaks English, knowing the answer before I even ask.

"Non, Je veux juste que mon bébé." She says no and says that she just wants her baby, tears flooding her eyes. "Aidez-moi s'il vous plait. Elle a été prise." She asks me for her help.

"Oui, juste un moment s'il vous plait." I say and she nods, permitting me a moment to speak with Officer Daniels. "Her child was taken." I say to him. "It could've been our killer."

"Easy with that word Dr. Barker." He says looking over my shoulder at the crying woman. I shake my head.

"She doesn't speak English. We'll need to get a translator in because I only have five years of study under my belt. What should I tell her though?" I ask, as I glance over my shoulder at her again.

"Can you console her until we get a translator in. I'll call Agent Gideon." He says and I nod. I walk over to the woman.

"Madame, Je m'appelle Reggie." I introduce myself in a friendly manner. "Je vais m'asseoir avec vous pendent que nous trouverez á votre enfant." I tell her that I will sit with her while we try to find her child.

"Merci mille fois. Je m'appelle Lea Fournier. Ma fille, elle s'appelle Jolee, et elle est tres intellegent et tres belle. Elle a six ans. Elle danse beaucoup de temps. C'est sa passion."

"Nous allons trouver sa fille Lea. Priez-vous?" I try to assure the distraught woman, and ask her if she prays.

"Oui...tout les temps. Voulez-vous prier avec moi?" She answers yes, and asks me to pray with her.

"Oui..." I say and she takes my hands and we close our eyes. Instead of praying for myself, I pray for the safe return of Jolee and for the safety of my friends.

"Yeah, she came in here screaming in French and Dr. Barker just came out of the room speaking and consoling her. She's stayed by her side since the translator has got here. We have all of the information" I hear Officer Daniels explain to someone. I'm going to guess Agent Gideon.

"Lea, mes amis sont ici." I tell her that my friends are here and she gets a look of hope in her eyes. "Je vais leur parler. Attendez s'il vous plait." I stand up, leaving her with the translator and go to Agent Gideon.

"You've done well, thank you." He says patting me on the shoulder. "Is she okay to speak with?"

"Yes, she's stable. She needs for us to be gentle though. She's frustrated by the fact that she can't understand English yet, and she's very worried about her daughter." I explain.

"Alright, thank you. Would you mind introducing us? It'd probably be easier since she knows you now." He says and I nod. We go back into the room, Derek follows.

"Lea, je vous présent Jason Gideon et Derek Morgan. Ils aimeraient vous parler." I introduce the two men.

"Merci, vous pouvez aller, je serai bien." Lea says and I smile and nod. I leave her with the two agents and the translator and exit the room. I sigh and lean against the wall, closing my eyes.

"We are looking for a man in his early to mid thirties. He's approximately five foot eight. He will seem friendly, and he's good with children." Agent Hotchner starts off the profile.

"He will most likely drive a Blazer. He doesn't look rich, but it's obvious that he is financially stable. He hates these families because they have at least one person who doesn't speak English." JJ adds on.

"He thinks that these children are being denied American culture because of this, and he feels that their minds are ruined because of it." Spencer says.

"He is desperate to cleanse our country and is starting off with children." Agent Gideon says sounding solemn. "That is all, good luck." He says and everyone gets into gear. I'm proud that they have this profile on the second day.

"Oh la la, my dear. I had no clue that you knew French too! How come you never told me?" Penelope asks me over the phone. I laugh and step out of my heels and pace around the room. Day three of being alone in this forsaken room. She's probably really bored too.

"It never came up. How are things going there? Any men that I haven't heard about?" I ask, anxious to hear about home life again.

"It's only been three days Reggie. You haven't missed anything I promise. When you get back though we'll have to get Reid and Morgan to take us out dancing or something." She says and I laugh.

"Spencer dancing? That would be like...I don't know Wiley Coyote giving up on the Road Runner." I say, trying to come up with something awkward. "I just can't picture it."

"Don't worry, it seems a little farfetched for my mind too. Oh, hold on mon cherie, The Oracle is needed." She says before clicking over. I sit down in my seat and kick my feet up on the desk that I've been assigned to man. It's taken on my personality already. "They're on their way in, they found Jolee." Her sudden voice almost scares me.

"Oh my God!" I exclaim standing up, I feel tears filling my eyes. "They just pulled up, I'll call you back!" I say then hang up. I run to where Lea is sitting.

"Lea!" I exclaim and she looks at me shocked. "Jolee est ici." I tell her that her daughter is here and she bursts into tears. I take her by the hand and pull her outside just as Spencer lifts the little girl out of the SUV.

"Maman!" Jolee screams and fights until Spencer sets her down. She runs over and hugs her mother. I walk over to him.

"Don't take it personally." I say with a smile as I pat his shoulder. Jolee walks over to me. "Hey there sweetie." I say crouching down to her level.

"Thank you so much for taking care of my maman." She says throwing her arms around my neck. I hug the little girl.

"Pas de problem. She loves you very much, you take good care of each other alright?" I say and she nods. "Go on." I say smiling and she runs back to her mother. I stand up again. "So you caught that sick son of a...you caught him?" I ask, censoring myself.

"Yes, and it's all thanks to you and Lea." He says and I shrug, obviously brushing it off. "You should give yourself some more credit. We need to start getting packed up."

"Right, lettuce leaf Dr. Reid." I say linking my arm through his as we head back into the police station and to the room where we'd all been set up.

"He wanted to impress you...He showed you his strength by dragging you around like that, and he kept up his appearance." Derek says as he paces around the office.

"Well yeah...he said that we belonged together. That I was ruined because my parents weren't taking proper care of me and I had to be cleansed. When the police kicked down the door he looked at me for a moment, almost longingly before he ran." I say, not looking at anyone so I can keep myself together. Penelope rubs my back and then squeezes my shoulder. "Now he's back and I have a feeling that he's going to try and 'cleanse' me again. I believe that his idea of cleansing is much like what doctors did during the Renaissance. He cut my wrists are was letting me bleed...'I hope you survive this' is what he told me."

"This is the most you've talked about it since it happened, isn't it?" Jason asks me as he speaks up for the first time in a while.

"Yes, but it's necessary in catching him." I say, being brave. "After you catch this son of a bitch I can go back to my natural hair color." I say, even though that's not the real reason. The real reason is because I think it will stop the dreams. I know I look tired because of the sleepless nights I endure.

"We can take a break you know." Elle says looking at me, almost concerned. I shake my head and take a drink of my coffee.

"No." I say shaking my head. "The more you know about that day the more you'll figure out about him." I think for a moment biting my lip. "Alright, we'd known that there had been murders...this guy had been hopping around from town to town. We didn't think that he'd show up there...I mean you never think that until it actually happens. I came home from class and sat my bag down. I walked into the kitchen and found the milk spilled on the floor. I'm going to guess from him surprising my mom while she was cooking." I close my eyes, going back to that day. Walking through my dream. "I picked up the gallon and sat it on the counter before heading upstairs to my parents' room. When I opened the door I saw them laying on the bed...covered in blood. I was so horrified...I backed out of the room and I ran into him. I shoved him as hard as I could've and he fell so I bolted down the stairs and I fell. That's probably why he caught up with me. I run pretty fast, even in heels. I dialed 911 once I got outside but he hung up the phone and dragged me inside before it could even ring. That's when he tied me to a chair and started telling me about how beautiful I was and how I'd been ruined and why he had to do what he did. He was so friendly about everything, and he seemed sincerely sad that he was doing this. I bled for a while before the police finally did get there. I thank the good lord for nib-nose neighbors."

"Are you sure that you'd never seen him before? Maybe one day after class...at the library?" Jason asks and I shake my head.

"That was the first time I'd seen him. He wasn't much older than me...I'd place him at about twenty-five tops." I say thinking back. "I'll never forget what he looks like though." I think for a minute and then take out an old paper from my purse and turn it over to the clean back. I start sketching him. "I don't know why I didn't do this before." I say as I draw him. I finish and give the picture to Spencer, knowing he'll memorize the face. "I'm willing to go out there as bait." I say confidently. "I'll start sleeping at home too, I just want to get him caught. Do you think we can do it?"

"Baby Girl, we've been telling you that we would for a while now, do you really think that we wouldn't do this?" Derek asks as he gives me a look.

"We'll get things ready, chances are he's been watching you with us for a while now. So we're going to get an agent he doesn't recognize to sit with you in public places, and Morgan and Reid will sleep over at your apartment." Jason says as he stands up and goes out of the room to call someone.

"Slumber party." I say with a slight laugh. "I'll go to the grocery store and stock up on coffee." I promise, trying to be good to my friends. "If there's anything special you want just get me a list okay?"

"Reggie, you don't have to do that." Derek says as he gives me a small smile. "We're there to take care of this guy."

"Morgan, I'm going to take the gun you gave me and shoot you in the crotch if you don't let me take care of you guys since you're taking care of me." I say standing and putting my hands on my hips. I have better aim than any of us expected when we got me my permit and they started taking me to the shooting range.

"Alright, alright." He says holding up his hands. "Part of me regrets getting you that gun now." He says, joking. I laugh, and it's been so long since I really laughed that I fall into a fit of laughter.

"Can't breathe." I laugh, and everyone else starts cracking up too. I even see Aaron crack a smile.

"_Every goal, every action, every thought, every feeling one experiences, whether it be consciously or unconsciously known, is an attempt to increase one's level of peace of mind." - Sydney Madwed _


	3. Chapter 3

__**Hello everyone! Sorry it's been so long...back when I started this story I don't think I was mature enough to keep up with it like I wanted to. I'm older now (duh) so I'm going to try again. This chapter has stayed the same, I only took off the end part so that I could add in another chapter. I skipped so much! Anyway, I'll try to have that up soon. Enjoy!**__

__"All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired" - Martin Luther__

"He's following us..." I say quietly as I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end. I feel my breathing start to become irregular so I force myself to calm down. I look to Agent Lillian Beecher and she gives an assuring nod.

"I should probably get home. We're still on for shopping tomorrow morning right?" She asks and as we head to the parking lot where we parked our cars.

"And miss that shoe sale? Who exactly do you think you're talking to Lil?" I ask laughing. We wave before getting into our cars and heading our separate ways. Upon parking in the parking lot of my apartment building I get out and grab my bags quickly before locking the car and heading inside. I go up to my apartment and open the door. I walk in and close the door behind me. Locking and dead bolting it.

"What's wrong?" Derek asks as he walks out of the bathroom. I note the steam and deduct that he probably just got out of the shower.

"He was following Lillian and I." I say as I try to force myself to stay calm. I walk back to my room and toss my bags on my bed. I then step out of my heels and close the door. I change into sweatpants and a tee-shirt and pull my hair into a pony tail before going back out to the living room.

"You are really worried aren't you? This is the least dressed up I think I've ever seen you, and I've been staying here for about two weeks now." He says as he sits down at the breakfast bar. I go to the kitchen and pull some things out and start on dinner.

"I'm just tired." I admit, allowing myself to show the weakness I've been feeling. "I just don't feel like this is ever going to be over...I'll always have to be looking over my shoulder."

"This will be over, and even if you're too tired to look over your own shoulder Reid and I will be here to look over it for you. That's what we're here to do." He says giving me a serious look. "You have been so strong, and we understand that you're tired."

"Thanks Derek...I really needed that." I say with a tired smile. I get to work on making dinner when we hear a knock on the door. Derek had his hand on his gun as he walks to the door and looks through the peep hole.

"It's just Reid." He says as he unlocks the door and lets him in. "Hey Pretty Boy, Reggie's making a killer dinner."

"I was about to say, something smells fantastic." He says as he sets his bag down on the same chair I always put my purse in.

"It's my second favorite, Italian chicken." I explain as I pull the pan out of the oven and set it on the stove top. I put three good sized potatoes on a plate and put them in the microwave. "My mother taught me how to cook when I was young, she said 'Even though you're going to be a successful, independent young woman, that doesn't mean you can't learn to cook. Grandma taught me, now I'm teaching you, and it'll be your job to teach your daughter and her's to teach her daughter after that'." I say smiling fondly at the memory. "I was planning on staying home until I graduated from college, but things don't always work out as we plan them, huh?"

"Especially if you work for the BAU." Derek agrees. "Garcia wants us all to go out dancing when this is all over." He adds on.

"I know, on our last day in Oregon she suggested it and I said Spencer dancing would be as awkward as Wiley Coyote giving up on the Road Runner." I say laughing.

"I'm glad you have so much confidence Reggie." Spencer says, not being able to stop himself from cracking a smile.

"I'm just going by how you normally act." I say shrugging. "Hey, do you guys want a salad?" I ask, going to the fridge.

"You're the chef, and you've been spoiling us lately. I don't know about Pretty Boy, but I kind of live off of take out." Derek says and I gasp.

"I can't stand take out! It's an insult to good home cooking." I shake my head. "It's understandable with the job you guys have though. That and your bachelors." I say wrinkling my nose. "I wouldn't be surprised if you had various clothing articles strewn across your bedrooms right now."

"Hey, we're talking dinner...not cleanliness." He jokes. I look to Spencer, and I know I must look slightly worried because he changes his posture and tries to look more aware.

"Well I was going to ask you guys to run a marathon with me after dinner, but seeing how dead Spence looks, it might be best to just settle for a movie instead." I say as I start making a salad by chopping up some carrots.

"I'm fine, thank you for your concern though. It's really unnecessary." He says and I give him a look. "What?"

"I may not be a profiler, but I know these late nights waiting for my serial killer to show up aren't easy. On top of that you've got work." I say as I put the head of lettuce on the cutting board and start chopping. "Just take it easy guys...exhaustion isn't fun to deal with."

"We're fine Reggie, you don't have to worry about us. You just worry about you for now, alright?" Derek says and I shrug. "You're still going to worry, aren't you?"

"She feels that since we're staying here and in turn staying up most of the night, that she should take care of us. She feels the need to worry because we've grown closer and she is guilty that she can't do much more than feed us good meals, and try to make us more at home." Spencer says and I put the lettuce into a bowl.

"I've been nice about the whole profiling me and my motives thing..." I say jokingly waving my knife at them. Derek laughs and I put it into the sink. "Sorry if you guys feel awkward here though. I really do want you to be comfortable even though you are just here for my protection."

"And we really appreciate it." Derek says and the microwave beeps, letting me know that the potatoes are done.

"And now, we feast like kings." I say as I take the potatoes out and make plates for the three of us. "I'll leave you to make your potatoes as you must, but as for me..." I just sprinkle some cheddar cheese over mine, grab a Sierra Mist out of the fridge and sit down at the table. Moments later, the guys join me. "So...what are we going to do if he moves in for the kill tonight?" I ask after a while.

"Well, in the ideal situation. You will be in your bedroom with the door closed and locked and Reid and I will take him down before he gets close." Derek explains.

"Well, what if he does get close?" I ask, looking to the two agents. The one sitting across from me, Spencer, as well as the one sitting next to me, Derek. "I mean...that's just the ideal situation. What if he decides to scale the side of the building and crawl in through my window? There's always the spare bedroom as well." I say, elaborating.

"If we hear any funny noises one of us will be with you." He says and I know that it would be Spencer with me, since Derek's the more macho one.

"If either of you get stabbed in here, I hope you know that if you have down time from work I'll be taking care of you." I say, sighing. "Essentially it is my fault."

"What was it you were saying about exhaustion earlier? As much as you're concerned about us it's amazing you haven't fainted from it yet." Spencer says after he wipes his mouth on a napkin. I look at him for a moment before shaking my head and laughing. "This really is fantastic by the way." He says as he attacks his chicken again.

"It really is, I'm going to miss this after we get this guy." Derek agrees after he takes a drink of his Coke. I don't like the vial drink personally, but it's their favorite. I've also bought Spencer his very own bag of sugar. There's a picture of it on his desk at work. It's labeled 'Spencer's Coffee Sugar'.

"Well just because you won't be staying with me, doesn't mean I can't host family dinners." I say with a smile.

"True, what are you going to do after this is over?" He asks, and I purse my lips. I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

"Well...before anything I'm going to become blonde again." I say, giving a slight smile. "I'll probably go to California for a while and visit my parents." I say, serious again. "I might drive and give myself some time to think...I could also think about going back to Taylor."

"What did inspire you to change your last name to Barker?" Spencer asks, subtly trying to cheer me up.

"You really want to know?" I ask and they nod. "Well, my second favorite musical is Sweeney Todd...and before he was Sweeney he was Benjamin Barker..." I say, waiting for it.

"Nerd." Derek says and I laugh. "I should've known it would be something like that." He says with a laugh.

"Oh, you know you love my obsession with musicals." I say accusingly. "You can't even try to deny it." He laughs. "I suppose I could change my name completely..." I suddenly get a random idea. "Bond!" I laugh. "Then if I ever have a child out of wed lock I could name him James."

"You're killin' me Reggie." Derek says shaking his head. "I didn't think smart people were supposed to have a sense of humor."

"I'm not that smart." I say, putting emphasis on 'that'. He gives me a look. "Alright, I'm slightly more advanced then most people, but look at Spence! The boy graduated when he was twelve!"

"Way to throw me under the bus." He says shaking his head. I give him a smile and he shakes his head. "It's okay, it's not that smart people don't have senses of humor. Morgan's just used to having me around and he seems to think that I don't have one."

"Nonsense!" I exclaim. "That's insanity! Dr. Spencer Reid with no sense of humor?" I shake my head as if it's unheard of. "Have you ever considered that you aren't funny Derek?" I ask.

"Now that's unheard of." He says giving me a look. I grin. "You're pushing it Shorty." He says trying not to laugh.

"You know, most people who know me personally find my height very endearing." I say, mainly talking about Penelope.

"We can't all be Garcia." He says and I give him a look now. "I'm just kidding." He says as he messes up my hair.

I'm awoken by someone shaking me gently. I open my eyes and see Spencer. He holds his finger to his lips. I feel my heart stop, then restart, kicking it into gear. I sit up slowly and pull on the sneakers I've been keeping at my bedside for some time now. I mouth the words 'Is he in here?' and Spencer shakes his head no. I hear the dead bolt slide out of place in the dead silence. I look to Spencer and he goes to the door and closes it quietly. This is it, this is going to either end with three homicides or the capture of a dangerous serial killer who's killed multiple families. I move very quietly as I slowly open the drawer on my nightstand and pull out the gun. I feel better knowing that we have three guns against this guy's knives...what if he has more than knives though. The bedroom door opens and two men walk in. I know one is Derek and I see a gun.

"You two, over there now." The same friendly voice from a year ago demands. I fight tears as my two friends follow his commands. "How are you tonight Miss. Taylor? It's good to see you."

"She isn't Miss. Taylor anymore." Derek says, talking about me to get him to notice me as a person and not a victim. "You care about her don't you? So why don't you call her by who she is?"

"Shut up! I know who she is! Just because she's a lying bitch and changed her name!" The man yells, his voice still keeping a slightly friendly note. "I'm sorry, but do you realize how sad I've been?" He asks me, keeping the gun pointed at my friends. He walks closer to me.

"Put the gun down please?" I ask, standing up from the corner I'd slid into. I keep my gun out of his line of sight. "Please? If you're cleansing me, you don't need to hurt them right?"

"They're getting in the way of us being together." He says, sounding exasperated. He grabs my wrist, and I wince at the pain as his grip turns iron. "I know that you feel the same way too, they've been keeping us apart. Taking you away from me...I just want to make you perfect."

"I know..." I say gently, if I can just get him to put the gun down. "I know...I see now that you just want me perfect so we can be together."

"Then why were you so frightened before? You threw out the flowers I gave you." He says, his gun now pointed at me. He keeps his eye on the guys though.

"I had to be sure that it really was you." I say, my voice wavering slightly. Never in my life has anyone pointed a gun at me.

"Of course it was me...who else would know about the milk?" He asks, like it's the silliest thing he's ever heard.

"She's only saying these things to protect me. She doesn't love you, she loves me." Spencer says, and the man gets a wild look in his eye as he points the gun at him.

"No she's not!" He yells. "She loves me!" He continues. "Isn't that right! Regan you love me!"

"She hates you." Spencer continues. "She hates you because you killed her parents." He looks at me for a split second. Derek looks like he's about to go after the man, but he steps back so he can have a better eye on both of them. I can't make myself move, I know I should shoot him.

"Is that true?" He asks me, and I don't answer him. "Regan, will you please come over here? I want you to kill the skinny one to prove that you love me." He says, and I feel myself panic.

"His name is Spencer." I say, my voice still shaky. "He has two doctorates, and he's brilliant. He has a dorky sense of humor, but that's okay. He's become one my best friends, and you know what? I don't even know you." I say to the man.

"If you wanted to know me, all you had to do was ask. My name is Kyle Daily. I'd forgotten that I didn't introduce myself before." He says, thankfully ignoring my lapse in the false caring. He looks at me in an endearing way, and lets go of my wrist. Spencer jumps across the bed and over to me. I hadn't noticed the gun being pointed at me again.

"We don't want to hurt you Kyle, but you're making us. What you want with Regan isn't good, you could kill her." Spencer says, standing in front of me.

"Get out of the way." Kyle says, sounding very angry now. "Get out of my way Spencer! Regan why won't you kill him?"

"Because, he was telling the truth. I do love him." I say pulling Spencer down to my level by his tie and kissing him. Kyle screams in rage, but Derek tackles him to the ground and gets the gun away from him. I put my gun into Spencer's hand and back up into the wall. Spencer goes and helps Derek, who finally gets him cuffed. Derek hauls him up and takes him out of the building. I slide down the wall, my breathing irregular as I try to force myself not to cry. Spencer walks back into my room and turns the light on. He lays the gun down on my bed then sits next to me on the floor.

"Reggie, look at me." Spencer says and I look at him. "Can I see your wrist?" He asks and I give him the hand that Kyle had grabbed. My hands are shaking badly. "It's already bruising, so it's probably going to be pretty bad." He says, keeping hold of my hand. "It's going to be okay, I'm going to sit with you." He says and I feel the tears start in. I start to hyperventilate then, I try to push myself up off the floor but I stumble. "Reggie. Reggie! Regan! You need to calm down! I think you're having a panic attack." He explains and I snatch my hand back from him and get up again, successful this time. I have to get out of here. I run then, out of the room run into somebody. I try to get away, but the person hugs me.

"Reggie. Reggie look at me." JJ orders, I struggle against her. "Sweetie, you're safe. Look at me." She says, and I look up at her. "Breathe with me alright? You need to calm down." She says in the same, even tone. She leads me in taking deep breathes. She keeps an arm around me as she leads the way to the kitchen. She grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge and opens it for me. My hands are too shaky, so she holds it as I take a drink. A medic walks back to my room.

"I'm fine." Spencer says, but his voice sounds kind of funny. Like he's plugging his nose. He walks into the living room and I see him with some blood dripping out of his nose and I gasp.

"Oh God...I'm so sorry." I say, tears starting in again. "I'm so sorry..." I whisper again, covering my mouth with my hands.

"It's okay Reggie." JJ says and she makes me turn around and she hugs me. Keeping her arms around me, she leads me outside and helps me get into one of the black SUVs. She sits with me, and lets me cry. "It's over." She says gently, and looks out the window. "Spencer wants to see you, is that okay?" She asks and I nod. She opens the door and slides out. I sit, facing her. She moves for a moment then she's replaced by Spencer.

"I didn't mean to hit you." I say, wiping my eyes even though It's useless. "I was just so scared and I had to get out of there." I say, my voice falling to a whisper again.

"I'm fine, see? My nose isn't bleeding. I know that you didn't mean to hit me. What you were experiencing..." He starts and I stop him.

"I had a panic attack...you just so happened to be too close." I finish for him. I wrap my arms around myself. "It's no excuse...you aren't my enemy."

"I should have realized what was happening, you were shaking like a leaf." He says, downplaying my craziness.

"Spence, you have every right to be angry with me. I hurt you." I say, sounding weird even to myself. "I'm an idiot, because at first I thought your nose was bleeding because I bumped your nose when I kissed you." I say, laughing humorlessly.

"No, it wasn't that." He says, and he looks relieved. He probably though that I was going to block this out of my memories.

"Baby Girl, you know how to be one Hell of a distraction." Derek says as he walks up and pats Spencer on the shoulder.

"I should've shot him while he was focused on you two." I say shaking my head. "I'm really sorry you guys...he could've seriously hurt you."

"Reg, no one blames you for any of this. You aren't trained in this field, you just recently picked up a gun. Besides, you and I are the only ones who are walking away from this with bruising...from him." Derek says and I hide my face in my hands. "What matters though, is the fact that your distraction is why we took him down. You're a hero, Reg, because if he would've killed you tonight he would have gone on to kill another family."

"I'm here!" Penelope says as she rushes over to me. "Oh my sweet baby girl!" She exclaims and Spencer steps out of the way and I hug her. I feel the tears start in again and she just hugs me. I don't think I'll ever forget the first time I met her...

_ I walk into the room, slightly nervous. I've been here a total of two weeks, and I haven't even unpacked the boxes in my dorm room yet. I sit down on one of the empty chairs and wait. A women then enters the room, and sits down._

_ "Hi...I'm Regan Barker..." I say, trying to not seem shy. This woman is slightly crazy looking in her neon pink dress. I kind of like it though..._

_ "Hi there Regan! My name is Penelope Garcia, it's really nice to meet you. How are you holding up?" She asks me, smiling in a very friendly way._

_ "I wish I could say I was doing alright...but nothing seems right anymore." I say, being honest. She's here to help me deal with their murder..._

_ "Well, nothing's going to feel right for now." She says gently, being honest with me. "It will be eventually...you just have to look to the brighter side of things. What do you enjoy doing?" She asks._

_ "I don't really give myself much free time. I'm working on a doctorate in psychology." I explain, racking my brain. "I used to paint...I guess I've always sort of liked artistic things."_

_ "Well, I know this great place where you can take pottery making classes. I've been wanting to go for a while, but work is killer. You should check it out with me sometime." She offers with a smile. "Right now, what you need is to keep yourself busy. At the same time though, you can't forget about your parents. Keep their memory alive sweetheart, and know that you can most definitely make it through this. You are a bright, beautiful young lady Regan."_

_ "You can call me Reggie..." I say, sort of getting over my shyness. "My friends called me that...and well, you're honestly the first person I've really talked to on a personal level since I got here." I admit._

_ "Alright Reggie...here," She says as she takes a business card out of her purse. "if you ever need __anything at all, give me a call. That has my cell and my work number. Anytime, alright?"_

_ "You're a tech analyst?" I ask as I look over the card. She nods. "That's awesome, and for the FBI no less."_

_ "I met my best friends there. I couldn't ask for a better job." She says and I feel myself smile a little bit._

_ "Thank you Penelope...but I should probably get out of here. I've got a lot of homework in human behaviors." I say as I place her card into my wallet and put it back in my purse._

_ "Alright, remember what I said though." She says as she stands up. I stand up with her and offer a handshake. She ignores that and gives me a great big hug. "It'll all be okay sweetie."_

_"___To live without Hope is to Cease to live." - Fyodor Dostoevsky __


End file.
